What is a meltdown?
A meltdown is a response to a nervous system that just can’t take it anymore. When someone is in a meltdown they are so overwhelmed they cannot regulate and they start engaging in fight-or-flight behaviors, even if there is not an actual emergency present. This can mean crying, throwing things, pounding the ground, screaming, saying unhelpful things, not talking at all. Talking to someone in a meltdown is not usually going to help unless the statements are short and supportive, such as, “I’m here” or “I’ll be nearby” or “I’m ready to give you a hug when you want one.” This is because the part of the brain that is in charge of language can be compromised and instead, the brain is primed to get out of a situation, not take in information. It can be overwhelming for others in the family system to witness this level of dysregulation, but it is important to stay as calm as possible and focus on support.
When your child is in a meltdown:
- Have a safe space designated for frustration with pillows, blankets, and soft/safe items to throw or manipulate.
- Let your child know you are nearby and allow them to have their meltdown and stay present (either in the room or just outside) so that if they request your presence or start acting unsafely, you are there. Try not to engage and but do listen and, remain as calm as you can.
- If things become unsafe for your child through self-injury (i.e. kicking or hitting walls or headbanging) do what you can to safely intervene to keep your child safe, (i.e. giving them a hug and keeping limbs and head safe, blocking them from hitting something hard with a pillow as a shield, etc).
- When the meltdown is complete, sitting with your child and providing extra support through a hug and one-on-one time can be very helpful for reregulating. Later, when things have returned to equilibrium for a while (a few hours after the event), see if you can get more information about what happened to learn if there is anything that can change to reduce the likelihood of frequent meltdowns.
Meltdowns can be overwhelming and put multiple members of the family in crisis. Remember that this is a moment, and it will end. Our bodies cannot exert that amount of energy for more than a few hours at most.
How to decrease the likelihood of a meltdown:
- Try to get to the root cause of what the meltdown was about and try to offer more flexibility around the issue in the future.
- Try not to overschedule yourself/your child. Without proper downtime to recuperate from all of the mental load from social engagements, expectation to focus, or produce results, the brain and body will force a shutdown. Do the slowing down on your time, not at the expense of the one more thing you’ve added to the schedule because you/your child can’t take it anymore.
- Conversely, without proper mental and physical stimulation, life can be understimulating and dysregulating. It can take practice to know what a healthy balance is for you or your kid, but generally having one or two extra-curriculars outside of school or work is healthy. Let kids have trial periods with activities to see if it is a good fit or overly stressful.
- Take breaks and slow down, both for yourself so you can maintain your regulation and so you can model for your children how to add self-care to daily life.
- Have routines, especially around transitions. Transitions can be especially challenging for neurodivergent folks because it is harder for us to switch from a task that we may be fully engaged in and move to a new one. Or it may be hard to not jump right into the new one without having completed the last task. Having a ritual of letting kids know how much time they have left in a task, or a specified way to end and start something, can help prevent a meltdown from a transition. These rituals can vary depending on the type of transition.
Everyone falls apart sometimes, but for neurodivergent kids, teens and adults, the amount of distress caused by overstimulation, social burnout, rigidity, and a brain that takes in a flood of details and information that overwhelms, can lead to a system that goes into overdrive on a pretty regular basis. With all of the ways everyday life can pull someone with neurodivergence into dysregulation, it’s no wonder people who have autism and/orADHD meltdown more frequently. For some, this can happen multiple times a day, for others multiple times a week or month. Timing of meltdowns can fluctuate and are likely to increase with added stressors on the family or changes in routines. Having a plan for yourself and your child of how to stay safe in meltdowns can make them feel less scary.
If you or your family could use additional support around meltdowns or neurodivergent overwhelm, feel free to reach out for a consultation. Therapy can give you the specific one-on-one support you and your family may need.